Coontown Millionaire 

Syncopated Afterpiece 
in One Act 




XTER H. BAKER COMPANY 
BOSTON, MASS. 



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WALTER H. BAKER 00^ Boston, Mass. 



The 
Coontown Millionaire 

A Syncopated Afterpiece in One Act 



By 

WALTER BEN HARE 

Author of more than one hundred plays including 
"A Couple of Million," "The Adventures of Grandpa,' 
"Professor Pepp," "Old Days in Dixie," "Over 
Here," "Much Ado About Betty," "The Hoodoo," 
"Teddy, or the Runaways," "The Dutch De- 
tective," "And Billy Disappeared," etc. 




BOSTON 
WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

I 9 2 I 



The Coontown Millionaire ^ 






.^^'^' 




NOTICE 



Production of this play is free to amateurs ; but 
the sole professional rights are reserved by the 
author, who may be addressed in care of the 
publishers 



Copyright, 1921, by Walter Ben Hare. 

Copyright, 1922, by Walter Ben Hare. 

As author and proprietor. 

All rights reserved. 

AUG -4 1922 

AAA I 



E Sisncopateb Hftctpfece 
in ©ne Hct 



THE COONTOWN MILLIONAIRE 

CHARACTERS 

General Pill Previous, the Coontozvn millionaire. 
Teddy Highbi^own, a high-brown aviator. 
Lucius Hamm, the black ragman. 
Officer Hunks, a ciillud policeman. 
Lady Queena Sheeba Previous, a social leader,^ 
Perfumery Previous, the belle of Coontown. 
Lilian, a black French maid. 
High-Brown Beaux and Belles. 



ACT ONE 

SCENE. — A fancy parlor. Doors R. and l. ; Fancy door c. ; 
Window at rear, practical; Screen l. c. ; fancy table r. ; 
Sofa R. ; Chairs to dress the stage. Make the scene as fancy 
as possible. 

(Opening Chorus.) 

(Opening Chorus by High-Brown Beaux and Belles 
in elaborate evening clothes, not burlesque. Choose tzvo 
or three popular songs and sing the choruses of them, 
with dance steps, etc. At end all dance off at R. Bnter 

196 



THB MINSTREL BNCYCWPBDIA 197 

Lady Previous and Perfumery, the latter carrying a 
pink letter.) 

Lady Previous. So he's asked you to marry him, has 
he? (Coming dozvn c.) 

Perfumery. 'Deed he has, and I'm the happiest girl in all 
Coontown. 

Lady. Seems to me that a week's a mighty short time to 
know a man you intends to marry. Looks like it's kinda 
spasmodic to me. 

Per. The first time he asked me I told him no. 

Lady. What did you tell him the second time? (Door- 
bell rings.) 

Per. I told him he'd have to see my pa-paw. 

Lady. Dat's right. Don't you go flying in the face ob 
your pa-paw, kase this yere Teddy Highbrown is only a avi- 
ator and your pa-paw is a millionaire. (Door-bell rings 
louder. ) 

Per. Somebody is at the door. 

Lady. I wonder how come dat Lilian don't answer the 
bell. (Yells.) LiHan! 

Per. (looks to l.). Here she comes now. 

(Hnter Lilian from l.) 

Lilian. Excuse me for butting in, but is you-all home ? 
Lady (at c, loftily). Who is it dat's inquiring? 
LiL. (a^L.). Mistah Highbrown. 
Lady. We is. 

LiL. (yells out at l.). Dey is. 

Lady. Right now I'm gwine find out what am de expecto- 
rations ob dis yere high-brown aviator. 

(Enter Teddy Highbrown from l. He crosses languidly 
to Lady Previous and gives her a high hand-shake.) 

LiL. (zvatching them from dozvn L.). Well, wrap me up 
in a satin robe, dat man is too luxuriant to live. [^Exits at L. 



198 THB MINSTRBL BNCYCLOPBDIA 

Ted, Lady Queena Sheeba, I trust you is feeling exuber- 
ant dis mawnin'. 

Lady. Oh, fluently, fluently. I hope you is sagashiating 
in right good health ? 

Ted. Absotively. (Crosses to Perfumery and shakes 
hands zvith her.) Miss Perfumery, you see before you your 
obedient slave. (Kisses her hand.) 

Lady (who has crossed down l.). Here, back up, boy; 
back up. Don't you be gettin' so familiarity with ma daugh- 
ter. Remember, her pa-paw is a millionaire. 

Ted. Lady, believe me, dat's one thing dat I don't ever 
forget. 

Per. Ma-maw, Mistah Highbrown wants to escort us 
over to the flower show. 

Lady. I'd be most contaminated to accept your kind invi- 
tation, Mistah Highbrown. Perfumery, please have the con- 
sumption to put on your new peach-blow hat. I'm delighted 
to go to the flower show, Mistah Highbrown, kase I hears de 
flowers am the most odious dat was ever growed. 

Ted. That might be for this country, Lady Queenie 
Sheeba, but they ain't one, two, three with the flowers of 
France. 

Lady. How come dey ain't? 

Ted. Dey don't grow as fast. Why, over there I went to 
a flower show and it was such a big affair that when we en- 
tered the flowers were in bud and when we came around to the 
entrance again the flowers were in bloom. 

Lady. Man, them certainly was some flowers. 

Ted. Why, over in France we have a rose that on a warm 
summer day you can smell its fragrance for a quarter of a 
mile. It's called the France rose. 

Lady. Dat's nothing, a-tall. Right here we got some 
plant, a wonderful rose, and on a hot day you can smell 'em 
for two miles. They're called the neg-roes. 

Ted. But this country ain't so hot as France. Why, over 
there I saw a dog chasing a rabbit in the woods and it was so 
hot dat both of 'em was walking. 



THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 199 

Lady. Dat's nothing a-tall. Over here it was so hot last 
summer dat I see a dog chasing a rabbit, and it was so dog- 
goned hot dat dey was both setting down. 

Ted. And we has cold weather in France, too. Last win- 
ter it was so cold dat when I milked a cow I had to build a 
fire under her to keep her from freezing to death. 

Lady. Yas, and over here it was so cold last winter dat 
the thermometer got de pneumonia. 

Ted. Will the General go with us to the flower show ? 

Lady. Lawsy, I done forgot about ma husband. You-all 
children run along to the show and me and Pill will follow you 
in de 'lectrical limozeen. 

Per. {to Ted.). You see pa-paw arrived home late last 
night and he hasn't made his appearance yet this morning. 
We'll see him at lunch. 

Lady. My daughter Perfumery sure said a mouthful, 
Mistah Highbrown. You-all run along now and we'll see 
you at lunch. 

Ted. {goes to Lady). Madame, que voulez-vous, paries 
vous Francais, avec pomme-de-terre. {Kisses her hand.) 

Lady. Man, I dunno what you said but your actions cer- 
tainly do touch my heart. Over the river, peacherino, spa- 
ghetti tomattus, au gratin! {Bozvs.) 

Ted. Then we shall meet at lunch. 

[B.vit L. with Perfumery. 

Lady {crossing down R.). Ever since dat coon went over 
to France to fight he certainly has got ambitious. But if my 
little daughter Perfumery loves him she's got to have him, no 
matter what her pa-paw says. {Loud crash outside at l.) 
Dat must be her pa-paw now. 

Pill {outside). Never mind, Lilian. Keep it up, keep 
it up. 

(Pill enters from l., zvalking hackzuard in his shirt sleeves, 
making violent mesmeric passes at Lilian, zvho follows 
as in a trance, carrying an empty tray.) 

Lady. Lilian, what's dat you busted? 



200 THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 

Pill. Shhh ! Don't disturb the patient. She's in a trance. 
I got her just where I want her. 

Lady. You better turn her loose. She's liable to die when 
she looks like dat. 

Pill. She's under my control. Lilian, hold up your right 
arm. {She does.) 

Lady {down r.). Ain't dat wonderful! 

Pill. Now your left foot. {She docs.) 

Lady. Ain't dat marvellous! 

Pill. Now your left arm. {She does.) 

Lady. Ain't dat majestical! 

Pill. Now your other foot. 

Lady. Here, here, man, you is going too far. 

Pill. Lilian, come to. {Snaps fingers.) 

Lady. She don't come to. 

Pill. Come to! Come to! {Snaps fingers.) 

Lady. You can't wake her up. 

Pill {snaps). Come a seven, come a 'leven. 

LiL. {wakes). Shoot you for two bits kase my daddy 
needs a new pair socks. 

Pill. That woke her up. 

LiL. {looks at tray). Lawsy, I done busted de coffee-pot 
and four cups an' sassers. 

Pill. Never mind, Lilian. I'll buy you another sasser 
and four coffee-pots and cups. Kase I'm a millionaire. 
Dat's all, gal. You may go. 

LiL. Man, don't you come 'round here hip-hip-hypnotizin' 
me no more. Kase I don't like it. You know. Lady Queenie 
Sheeba, dat man might kiss me when I was hypnotized, and 
den I'd stay in a transom forever. {Goes to door at l.) 
You come a-messin' round with me and I gwine cut you with 
ma razzer, and when I cuts, I cuts deep. [Exit at l. 

Lady. Now you looka here. General Pill Previous, de 
next time you wants hypnotize any ladies ob de fair sex, you 
wants to start with me, your lawful wedded wife. 

Pill. Impossible, Queenie, I can't control you. I needs 
good-lookin' young girls. 



THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 201 

Lady. How come you do? 

Pill. Kase dey is more susceptible, dat's how come. 

Lady, Looka here, General Pill Previous, I wants you to 
know dat I is jest as susceptible as any one. Where you goin' 
all dressed up without no coat and no collar ? 

Pill. I'm aimin' to go down to the ocean for a little dip 
in the surf. 

Lady. Yas, and I'm aimin' to hab you excort me to the 
flower show. 

Pill. Dat's jis' what I'm aimin' to do, right after I takes 
ma usual morning plunge. I wonder is LiHan put a new 
clean towel in ma marble bath-house ? 

Lady. I put it there maself with my own fair hands. 

Pill. Den, honey, poor la pray-song, tong adoo, toot 
sweet, as dey say in Dutch. [Bxit at c. 

{Specialty may he introduced by Lady and Chorus. ) 

Lady. Lilian, Lilian, whar you at ? 
LiL. {outside at l.). Yere I is. 
Lady. Well, come in yere. 

{Bnter Lilian from l. ) 

LiL. Ain't you got nothin' to do but to go round alia time 
yellin' Lilian? 

Lady. Is dat a way for a servant to address her lady ? 

LiL. Who's a servant? 

Lady. You is. 

LiL. You better not call me no names. Kase what I 
knows, I knows. 

Lady. I think de time has come when you and me must 
part. 

LiL. Dat's jest what I gwine tell you ma own self. I 
ain't gwine stay in no house where de boss alia time hip-hip- 
hypnotizing you. He's liable to make me do something I 
don't want to do. So right yere's whar I quits. (Waves 
handkerchief and a note falls to the floor.) I'm done, three 
cheers for de United States ob Africa and de Hired Girls 



202 THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 

Union forever. (Crosses to door.) And dem is ma last 
words and testament. [B^^it l. 

Lady (sees letter). Come back here, you dropped a letter. 
{Picks it tip.) I wonder who's been writing a letter to Lilian. 
(Reads.) "My honey rosebud Lilian: Everything is all 
right. Jest as soon as dat old hag Previous leaves the 

house " Dat old hag Previous ! (Drops in chair.) Oh, 

I'm insulted, I'm insulted. (Reads.) "I'll meet you at the 
railroad station, star of my life, I'm ever yours." It's from 
Previous. Dat hypnotism was all a sham. Now he's gwine 
to elope with Lilian. Oh, I'm gwine to faint. (Falls back 
in chair. ) 

(Bnter Perfumery, very angry and excited.) 

Per. Oh, mamma, mamma, mamma! (Staggers to her.) 

Lady (starts to get up). What is it? 

Per. (sits in her lap heavily). My heart is busted. 
(Weeps.) 

Lady. And so is mine. (Weeps.) 

Per. I is been insulted. (Crosses to l.) 

Lady. And so is I. (Gets up.) 

Per. We got to the flower show, somebody come up and 
touch Mistah Highbrown on the shoulder and he run off and 
leave me all alone, never saying a word. 

Lady. Whar did he run to ? 

Per. 'Deed and I don't know. I never was so insulted in 
ma life. 

Lady. Your insult ain't a coincidence compared to mine. 
Read dat! (Gives her the letter.) 

Per. Somebody is in love with Lilian and wants her to 
run away. 

Lady. Somebody? Don't you know who it is ? 

Per. Course I don't. 

Lady. It's , dat ornery pig-jawed, bow-legged, smoked 
black, gum-lipped, kinky headed, baboon-faced chicken-stealer 
known as Pill Previous, the Coontown millionaire. 

Per. You mean my pa-paw ? 



THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 203 

Lady. Yas, dat's jest who I means, and when I lays dese 
two hands on him I gwine to pierce de Black Sea until I reach 
the heart ob Africa. 

Per. How come you think pa-paw wrote this ? 

Lady. Never mind how come. I'm gwine out ! You stay 
here and if he comes in don't say a word. I'm on their trail. 
{At door.) Shhh! Remember, not a word. \^Exit at c. 

Per. Poor ma-maw, she's so jellix she dunno whar she's 
at. But I certainly has got troubles ob my own. When I 
sees dat coon aviator who deserted me at de Flower Show, be- 
lieve me, dere certainly is gwine to be some fight. 

{Enter Pill dressed in black tights, socks, etc., and in a 
barrel. ) 

Pill. Show me de man dat stole ma clothes. (Per- 
fumery screams. Pill nearly drops the barrel.) Don't 
make me drop it. 

Per. Ain't you got no clothes ? 

Pill {drops barrel shozving himself in rags). Jest only 
dese. 

Per. Wait and I'll get you your new white suit. 

Pill. Where's your maw? 

Per. She's gone out. 

Pill. Then hurry up that white suit. Run, gal, run. 

Per. {at door). You'd better hold on to the barrel. 

[Exits L. 
{Enter Teddy.) 

Ted. {as Pill goes to r.). Stop! I've caught you. 
Pill. Who are you and what you want? 
Ted. I'm the one to ask questions. If this were in France 
I'd shoot you where you stand. 

Pill. Thank de Lawd it ain't in France. 
Ted. What are you doing in this house? 
Pill. Who wants to know? 
Ted. I wants to know. 
Pill. And who is you? 



204 THE MINSTRBL BNCYCLOPBDIA 

Ted. What's that to you? 

Pill. I'm the boss here. 

Ted. You're a crook. I caught you in the act. 

Pill. Get outa my house. 

Ted. I'll call the police. 

Pill. If you do, I'll have you arrested. 

Ted. I — I am a gentleman. You are a thief. 

Pill {sparring at him). Who you callin' thief? 

Ted. {fighting him). I'll show you. 

(They wrestle. Pill butts Teddy into a chair, and while 
he is picking himself up runs back of the screen. Teddy 
is dazed, zvondering zvhat struck him. Pill, back of the 
screen, moves it to door l. Teddy sees screen and creeps 
around r. of it after Pill who creeps around l., coming 
in view of audience. They dodge around screen. Finally 
Teddy crouches in view of audience, then Pill lifts 
screen and crashes it over Teddy's head, where it hangs 
like a frame. Pill runs Teddy off at l. Crash outside.) 

Pill {now divested of the barrel, sinks in a chair). My 
laws, but this sure is an exciting morning. {Rests.) 

{Bnter Lucius Hamm from c, dressed in rags.) 

Lucius {not seeing Pill). Lilian, Lilian, I wonder where 
my Lily-bud am went. {Sees Pill.) Good Lawd, dis must 
be another rag-man. Mawnin', brother. 

Pill. Who you callin' brother? 

Lucius. Looka yere, man, I is de rag collector round 
here. 

Pill. Go 'long and collect your rags. 

Luc. I'm lookin' for my gal. 

Pill. Dat's jist what I is doing. 

Luc. Who, you? 

ViL-h {rises, angrily) . Yes, me. 

Luc. Lookin' for my gal? 

Pill. Looking for my gal. 

Luc. She's gwine to run off with me. 



TUB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPBDIA 205 

Pill (to audience). Great day in de mawnin', Is dis what 
dey've picked out for my daughter's husband ? 

Luc. You better get outa yere, kase if you don't I'm 
gwine throw you out. 

Pill. Throw me out? How dare you? 

Luc. {sparring) . Come on and fight me like a man. 

Pill. You lemme alone. 

Luc. You gwine to steal my gal, is you? Come on and 
fight. {Hits him.) I gwine knock you till you is black in de 
face. {Knocks him to sofa.) 

Hunks {outside l.). Where is he? Where is he? 

Luc. {at L. door). A poHceman. {Runs out r.) 

(Pill hides hack of the sofa. Enter Teddy and Hunks 
from L.) 

Ted. You are sure you are strong? 

Hunks. Boy, I'm so strong that folks all call me cheese. 

Ted. And are you tough ? 

Hunks. Boy, Choke-'em-up Alley is the toughest street 
in town, and the further up the alley you go, the tougher it 
gits. I lives in the last house. 

Ted. Well, he's hidden here in this room. He's a bad 
crook. Get him and bend him. 

Hunks. Leave it to me, I won't only bend him, I'll break 
him. 

Pill {looks at audience around sofa). Good-night, nurse. 

Ted. {at door l.). Hunt around and get him. Then do as 
you please. Throw the carcass out to the dogs. [Exit l. 

{Enter Lucius from r.) 

Luc. I wonder is dat policeman gone yet. 
Hunks. Ah, ha, I got you. {Grabs him.) 

{They struggle at c.) 

Luc. You lemme alone, now. I'm my mamma's only 
baby. 

Hunks. Then into the ocean for youse. {Rushes him 
out c.) 



206 THB MINSTREL BNCYCWPBDIA 

Pill (comes to c). I must get to my room and find out 
what it is all about. Somebody is trying to rob my house. 
(Starts out L.) Good-mawnin', here comes dat man again. 
(Hides back of curtains.) 

(Teddy enters from l.) 

Ted. Where's dat policeman? (Pill sneezes.) Oh, ho! 
Somebody's hiding. (Picks up a cane and hits Pill on head. 
Pill has block of wood to be hit. ) Now to call the police. 

[Exits L. 

Pill (staggers in dazed fashion from curtains). Dis cer- 
tainly am a pleasant mawnin'. 

Ted. (off stage at h.). Police, where are you? 

Pill. Good-night! (Crazvls under table.) 

(Enter Teddy from l.) 

Ted. I can't seem to find no one. (Sits on table, swing- 
ing legs, nearly hitting Pill who is under the table.) I sup- 
pose I got a dead man back of them curtains but I'm afraid 
to look. (Kicks Pill.) 

Pill. Dis is my last day on earth. 

Ted. I must find that policeman and explain everything. 

[Exits at l. 

(Enter Lucius and Hunks from c.) 

Luc. So you see it's all a mistake. 

Hunks. And you ain't the feller I'm looking for? 

Luc. I ain't even his twin brother. 

Hunks (suddenly jumps). I thought I heard something. 

Luc. You'd better be careful. He's a big bad man. 

Hunks. You hide behind the sofa and I'll hide back of 
the curtains, then when he comes in we'll nab him. (They 
hide. ) 

(Enter Teddy from l.) 

Ted. He's laying for me back of them curtains. I'll soak 
him again. (Whacks the wooden block with cane.) 



THB MINSTRBL BNCYCLOPBDIA 207 

Luc, Here, here, you've killed him. (Grabs Teddy, they 
struggle. ) 

(Hunks reels from the curtains and falls on the sofa.) 

Ted. Lemme alone. ( They fall to floor struggling. ) 

Hunks. I think something hit me. 

Luc. You're biting my ear ! 

Hunks (goes to them). I've got him now. (Teddy jerks 
a/ujay and gets up, Lucius gets up and catches him. They 
struggle at c.) 

(Bnter Perfumery from l. and Lilian from r.) 

Per. Somebody's murdering my Teddy. (Grabs Lucius 
around the waist and tries to ptdl him to l. ) 

LiL. They're killing my Hamm. (Grabs Teddy around 
the waist and pulls him r. ) 

Pill (crawls out). It's a free for all fight. (Runs out at 

(Bnter Lady from c.) 

Lady (screams). Awww! (Faints in Hunks' arms.) 

(Lucius and Teddy separate, Teddy and Lilian falling 
to L., Lucius and Perfumery to r.) 

Hunks. He went in there. (Points to l.) 
Lady. Who did? 

Hunks. The thief. Come on. [Bxit L. 

Luc. Catch him. [Bxit L. 

LiL. Lucius, wait for me. [Bxit l. 

Ted. Get him. [Bxit L. 

Per. No, no, it's my pa-paw. [Bxit L. 

Lady. My husband ! [Bxit L. 

(Crash off l. Broken crockery is thrown out from l. to 
stage. Another crash. Pill runs in from l., jumps 
dozvn in audience and runs up the aisle, followed by 
Hunks, then Lucius, then Lilian, then Teddy, then 



208 THB MINSTREL BNCYCLOPHDIA 

Perfumery, then Lady, all crying, " Stop him! Catch 
the thief!" etc. Chorus people come out on stage. Pill 
runs down the other aisle and gets hack on the stage pur- 
sued by all.) 

Pill {drops on sofa, exhausted). I ain't gwine to play no 
more. 

Ted. Officer, arrest that man. 

Per. Stop, that is my pa-paw, the Coontown millionaire. 

Ted. {points to Lucius). Then arrest that man. 

LiL. Stop, dat is my fi-nansay, Lucius Hamm, de ash-man. 

Pill. Officer, arrest that man. {Points to Teddy.) 

Per. Never; this is my future husband, Mistah High- 
brown. 

Pill {gives Hunks a roll of bills). Officer, good-mawnin'. 

[Bxit Hunks. 

Lady {comes to Pill at c). Now, sah, what do this note 
mean? Are you gwine to leave me and elope with Lilian? 

Lucius {at l. zvith Lilian). Dat's ma note, dat I wrote 
to Lilian. Ain't it, baby? 

LiL. Shore is. ( They embrace. ) 

Lady. Den it's all a mistake. General, forgive me ! 

Pill. Won't you never do it no more ? 

Lady. Do what? 

Pill. I dunno. 

Lady. Den I never will. 

Pill. Den I forgive you. {Embrace.) 

Ted. {at r. with Perfumery). My Perfumery! {Em- 
brace.) 

Per. My hero ! 

Luc. My Lilian! 

LiL. My big black baby ! 

Lady. My millionaire! {Holds out arms to Pill.) 

Pill. My Gawd! {Embrace.) 

(Chorus by all.) 
CURTAIN 



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Eaat Indian. 
Japanese. 

20. Light NoffTo. 

21. Bkck. 
2t. White. 



(Done up in sticks of 4 inches in length at 



': > 



MISCELLANEOUS SUPPLIES 
FOR' YOUR MINSTREL SHOW 



! :..Jll V. :. 
" Ur.rle '! . 

" T()jis\" ^' 



-•5 



Stapc Mo!i 



iO 



WALTER R BAKER CO^ Boston^ Mass. 



